A new kind of date makes personal to-do lists a reason to get together with friends

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. -- Life tasks like paying bills, canceling subscriptions and answering overdue emails are becoming a reason to socialize for friends, couples, roommates and other people who get together for what's known as “admin dates.”

The low-pressure gatherings taking place in coffee shops, accommodating bars and private homes are intended to turn tedious and procrastination-inducing adult responsibilities into productive time with a twist. Tackling a personal to-do list alongside others is a double-duty activity that combines the satisfaction of tending to necessary chores with the no less vital work of nurturing relationships.

“You can have both — getting things done and connecting with people,” Thema Bryant, a Pepperdine University psychology professor and past president of the American Psychological Association, said. “At the gym, if I'm taking a group exercise class, I'm less likely to stop in the middle of other people. ... In the same way, admin dates can help with accountability, motivation and connection."

Romantic or business partners looking to get on the same page, and club members or volunteers collaborating on a big project also may find admin dates helpful. Experts generally advise against meeting up in this way with regular work colleagues, especially supervisors, because it might add unnecessary pressure or create self-consciousness that's counterproductive to confronting in-box gremlins.

Here’s why experts think admin dates have taken off on social media and elsewhere, and some suggestions to keep in mind when organizing one:

Spending time with friends and classmates at Northern Arizona University is part of the college experience for 21-year-old roommates Alexia Ruvalcaba, Sami Hawkins and Mandi Bluth, but they say their get-togethers often revolve around everyday responsibilities made more enjoyable with iced white mochas sprinkled with cinnamon.

“Being together helps us get things done," said Ruvalcaba, a junior pursuing a degree in hotel and restaurant management. She says they look for places where other people are working. Usually that's one of the more than dozen coffee shops in Flagstaff, Arizona.

“There’s not a single person here that doesn’t have a laptop,” Ruvalcaba said from a table inside Foxtail Coffee Co., a Flagstaff franchise of the Florida-based chain. “I don’t know them, I haven’t talked to them, but all the people here are working or studying.”

Dealing with too many uncompleted tasks can feel overwhelming to some people, but whittling away at them in the company of trusted friends or even strangers engrossed in their own screens can clear some of the mental fog and foster a sense of community, said Bryant, the author of a book titled “Matters of the Heart: Healing Your Relationship with Yourself and Those You Love.”

One reason admin dates can help with productivity is because of modeling, a theory from behavioral psychology about learning by observing and imitating others, she said. Seeing other people check off items on their agendas can motivate us to do the same, Bryant said.

“In some ways, the reward is in community. That social support is a big protector of our mental health,” she said. “On the flip side, it can cultivate a sense of joy and connection. So it can be inherently rewarding to be in the company of people that we enjoy, even if we’re not doing a fun activity per se, but that presence in and of itself can be healing.”

Before taking on tasks as a group, discuss how often and for how long the participants want to meet, what level or kind of social interaction they want to have, and the kind of work they have languishing, experts advise. The latter will influence where an admin date takes place. Some people work best in relative quiet, and some tasks can get noisy or are location-dependent, like grocery shopping or home maintenance.

Creating an emotionally safe and mutually productive environment also will inform who is invited to the event — again, bosses typically are a poor choice — and may require establishing some guidelines. Admin dates “are intended to be helpful to everyone,” but self-motivated participants sometimes end up coaching others instead of focusing on their own to to-dos, Bryant noted.

Attending an admin date also may require some mental preparation for every person involved. Telling yourself you are disorganized or can’t manage to get anything done is a stress response that makes it harder to overcome overwhelm or break out of procrastination mode, said Dr. Aditi Nerurkar, a physician at Harvard Medical School who specializes in mental health.

Nerurkar, who is the author of “The 5 Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for Less Stress and More Resilience,” said that for individuals with harsh inner critics, having a realistic list of tasks to complete during an admin date and the company of a group can turn down the volume on unhelpful thoughts and make the process more manageable.

The goal, she said, is creating mental space to focus and for the list to “empower you instead of overwhelm you.”

Prioritizing tasks also is important since the social aspect of admin dates can become an excuse to procrastinate. Experts also caution against comparing yourself to other admin date attendees, saying the point is to draw motivation from seeing friends work toward similar goals.

“This is not about a competition. This is very much a collaboration,” Nerurkar said.

Food and beverages figure into most admin dates at some point, so deciding if they will be shared and if so, how the costs will be managed are other factors to consider. Organizers also should determine how participants feel about the consumption of beer, wine or cocktails during an event mixing personal business and pleasure.

Since admin dates are supposed to be communal, focusing only on tasks that require deep concentration or silence can undercut the social element that makes them appealing in the first place. Even if your to-do list is a mile long, remember to leave room for conversation, life updates and laughs.

To preserve the enjoyment factor, experts encourage admin daters to celebrate themselves and each other. Updated a resume? Put money into savings? Take a break and acknowledge the completion or grab a sweet treat from the coffee shop. Doing so, experts say, increases motivation and confidence.

Bluth says her college friend group used to write each person's tasks on a whiteboard and congratulate each other whenever something got crossed off.

Sometimes the students get off track having too much fun, but “by the end of the day, what we need to do gets done,” Hawkins said.