Why are more and more stable couples refusing to live together?

Maggie, a 47-year-old teacher, and Pablo, a 43-year-old translator, met on a dating app before the pandemic. Maggie was coming out of a divorce with two children; Pablo had been living with someone for a while, but had been single for a while. The relationship quickly solidified. Today, six years later, they're still together and have made things clear: he doesn't want children, she's fine with hers. The most important thing? They each want to continue living in their own homes.

“Every now and then, the four of us go out, or we have dinners, go to the movies, or play board games. We have a great time together, and everything happened very naturally. Pablo gets along very well with the kids, but he's clear that he's not their father, and while he always has their best interests at heart, he knows that my ex and I are the ones who make the decisions,” Maggie explains.

They're not the only ones who think this new form of relationship is more convenient and suited to their needs. In fact, while LAT (living apart together)—that is, established couples who reject cohabitation—has long been talked about, the phenomenon is growing and becoming increasingly visible.

The report "Rising Share of US Adults Living Without a Spouse or Partner" reveals that, in the United States, 38% of people between the ages of 25 and 54 choose not to live with a partner. Furthermore, it states that in 2021 (when the report was written), there were at least 3.9 million Americans living apart from their partners. Similarly, in Canada, the report "Family Matters: Couples Who Live Apart" found that approximately 1 in 10 Canadians are in an intimate relationship but choose not to live with their partner. In Spain, according to the latest Survey on Social and Affective Relationships, 6.9% of Spaniards over 35 with a partner do not live together, while 3.22% report that they live together "seasonally, intermittently, or on weekends." A key fact: the sample included people over 35 so as not to conflate what could be a stable couple with those who are still engaged and have no plans to live together.

In Argentina, the latest Household Survey also recorded relevant data regarding this trend, but the information has not yet been processed, according to the Buenos Aires Institute of Statistics and Census. What is known, as illustrated by a study by the consulting firm Datos Claros, is that more than 40% of Argentines believe marriage is no longer necessary and that 66% agree with the idea that each person decides how to form their own family.

Although the LAT trend is generally associated with people over 40 who have previously separated and, in many cases, have children, the format includes all those who, regardless of their age, choose a hybrid form of cohabitation that "offers the best of both worlds": not giving up independence and personal space, but also achieving a strong romantic bond. Furthermore, LAT cohabitation is different from a long-distance relationship, as it is usually an ongoing, chosen arrangement, rather than something temporary, tied to external circumstances.

“Sometimes we think that in the future, when the children are gone, we can get together. But right now, I find that difficult. I imagine adding Pablo to this scenario would put him in a difficult position and could wear down the couple. Another reality is that we both enjoy being alone and going out with friends. We really respect each other's time. I think this also has to do with the decision,” Maggie comments.

Perhaps the key point in understanding LAT arrangements is to observe that, just as marriage—and later, sexual exclusivity—once ceased to be the sine qua non for a couple, cohabitation is now the norm. Thus, instead of living together being the main focus of a relationship, couples who live apart prioritize their individual needs and lifestyle in order to become better long-term partners, preserving chemistry and romance. This is even more so if children are involved.

An impossible task? This is what Esther Perel, a psychotherapist who has studied relationships for two decades, discusses, in relation to the tension between the need for security and freedom within a relationship. Perel argues that partners are so overloaded with expectations and roles—“they must be our best friends, financial partners, lovers, and primary source of emotional support ”—that the dependency that develops may be precisely what makes it difficult to feel sexually attracted to the other or to find room for desire in everyday life.

“We decided to live apart for several reasons,” says Victoria, who is 36, works for a multinational company, and has been in a relationship with Rodrigo, a 31-year-old actor, for almost four years. “First, because we each have our own lives where we live—he's been in Quilmes all his life, and I'm in the capital—and it's painful for us to sacrifice our place of belonging. Second, I consider myself particularly distrustful and a guarder of my space. When I moved out on my own, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle not having anyone else around, but it turned out I absolutely love those moments with myself and my cats; being in my home, which is my refuge,” Vicky admits. She adds that living apart has also helped them manage their relationship better and find each other more emotionally when the time comes.

For his part, Rodrigo agrees with this view. “At one time, we saw each other almost every day, but after talking about it, we realized we were missing the opportunity to miss each other a little and make the most of the days we shared. While we make plans together with friends, I think it's also good for each of us to have a space where we can get together whenever we want. I love my house and I like having get-togethers. Plus, we each have two cats, and we occasionally bring dogs or other pets with us. I don't know if I can imagine living with so many animals. We're doing great this way, and for me, a winning team is a sure thing.”

While there are those who consider these relationships a direct consequence of an increasingly individualistic society, others believe they offer an opportunity to rethink implicit pacts, with greater freedom and a variety of options. “Marriage or stable partnerships have always been structures burdened with heavy burdens of 'ideality.' It has been assumed that the duties and rights of this institution exceeded the decision-making capacity of its protagonists,” reflects María Fernanda Rivas, a specialist in couples and coordinator of the Couples and Family Department of the Argentine Psychoanalytic Association.

A concept is currently gaining ground that increasingly takes into account the will of both partners. Until a few years ago, the paradigm of romantic love and "fusion" was based on the formation of a couple. It was thought that separate finances or not living together violated these social mandates. Today, however, there is more permission to think and talk about the degrees of freedom and power that individual management of money, separate homes, personal time, and spaces give to couples.

“My boyfriend, Juanma, and I have been together for four years; we met on an app. I have two children from a previous relationship and have been living alone with them since I separated,” says Claudia, a 40-year-old communicator. “Living with my children gave me the freedom, autonomy, and time that allows me to balance motherhood with paid work. When we first became a couple, Juanma lived alone in his apartment.

We strengthened our relationship and began to share more of our daily lives: from starting to come over for dinner to staying over on weekends. The integration between his single life and my life with children was a transition that happened at each of our paces. We even adopted a dog together, even though we lived in separate houses,” Claudia recounts. During that period, she recalls, she and Juan Manuel lived as a long-distance couple in Mendoza, and then, when he got a job in Bariloche, they maintained their long-distance relationship with intermittent scheduled trips and their daily life mediated by technology.

“A year ago, Juanma returned to Mendoza, and then, for the first time, we decided to live together,” Claudia adds about the evolution of her relationship: from maintaining a long-term relationship for several years to uniting the family. The conclusion, she says, is that arrangements of this type are also subject to change and revision over time. Far from being “light” or “temporary” relationships, they require a good understanding of self-knowledge, communication, and emotional maturity, and can always be re-discussed. Victoria agrees with this idea. “We know that everything is dynamic. Perhaps what we choose today for our relationship is not the same as what we originally chose, and perhaps not what we will choose in the future. We will continue to discuss it.”

Along these lines, according to Tamara, a 47-year-old yoga teacher, her LAT experience continues to be defined every day. “Sometimes we don't agree on what to share (evenings, meals, moments), but generally we do, and that happens very naturally. At 38, I came to live in Uruguay and met my daughter's father there. I became a mother at 41, but we separated a year after she was born. That same year, I met my current partner. The central theme of this relationship is sharing a large part of the day and meals, and most nights as well, but each of us remains in our own home. We live 600 meters apart, but being apart is what makes it possible to miss each other and enjoy the reunion.”

Among the disadvantages couples see with this lifestyle are experiencing distance at certain times or complicated family logistics, as well as doubling rent or utility costs.

Some, like Tamara, refer to the importance of having her own home—something she achieved with many years of effort and savings—and say that's why she takes care of it tooth and nail.

“Today, couples have more tools to understand the need to distance themselves, the need to be alone, the choice not to share a project—things that aren't necessarily interpreted as lack of love, disinterest, or commitment.

For a relationship to work, it's also necessary to create a "bonding space." This means working to build and sustainably maintain a place (not necessarily physical, but certainly emotional) that accommodates the couple. Beyond sharing a home or money, the important thing is to be able to generate intimacy with the other on an emotional level," Rivas concludes.

The Nation (Argentina) - GDA