'How to Politely Tell Someone to Fuck Off': The Importance of Setting Boundaries for Healthy Relationships

Alba Cardalda was 27 years old when she decided to take a break from her professional life and explore the world. She had graduated as a psychologist and specialized in cognitive-behavioral therapy and neuropsychology , but she felt it was time to stop. She chose South America as her destination, a region her parents

—Spanish people like her—had visited on their honeymoon and had received good reviews. It would be a couple of months' journey, Cardalda calculated. In the end, it was more than two years, a journey that took her from Argentina to Colombia.

“For me, it was key to understand the world from other perspectives. During that trip—which I made alone, almost entirely hitchhiking, getting to know people's realities firsthand, connecting with their situations—I learned to understand the other person's mental map and became aware of the importance of firmly setting boundaries,” says Cardalda, who came to the Bogotá Book Fair to present her book Cómo Saber a la mierda de forma politea (How to Politely Send People to Hell), in which she explains why boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and offers tips for setting them clearly and effectively.

Mainly out of fear and guilt. Fear that the other person will get angry, won't understand, will distance themselves, and won't want to continue a relationship with us—of any kind, love, friendship, or family. We're afraid of the consequences that might come from trying to set those boundaries. On the other hand, there's the feeling of guilt, stemming from our beliefs. We tend to think that setting boundaries and saying no to something makes us bad people. These beliefs come from our culture and how we've been raised. For people born before the year 2000—especially women—the idea of ​​wanting to please, of "I'd better not complain because I don't want to cause discomfort ," is very prevalent.

I think a small amount of selfishness is healthy for everyone. Of course, without understanding that selfishness as "I only care about what happens to me and I don't care about what happens to you." That's not the case. It's about "looking out for myself," about taking care of yourself. If things are happening in a relationship that hurt you, if it's not a reciprocal bond and behaviors are present that affect you, why would you feel selfish? You can set boundaries and express what you want, without being aggressive with the other person, but demanding what you need. It's a form of self-care and building healthy relationships.

Understanding boundaries in this way allows us to consider those of others and know that when the other person sets boundaries, it's not about me, but about what that other person wants for their life. It's interesting because in this process, we'll discover if what one person needs or tolerates is compatible with what the other person needs or tolerates. Those things of yours that I don't like—and those of me that you don't like—can they be compatible, or do they cross non-negotiable boundaries? That's where we enter into a dialogue in which we'll have to give in on some things if we want to have a relationship. Of course, without insisting that the relationship work no matter what, because this can lead to harmful or dependent relationships. If I realize that your rules of the game and mine aren't compatible, it's better to maintain a certain distance so as not to end up hurting each other.

It's something very easy to do, but few do. It's simply about stopping and listening to yourself. Engaging in introspection, reflection, and self-knowledge. Sitting down with a glass of wine, a cup of tea, whatever, and thinking about what's necessary for me, what I want, what's negotiable and what's not. Writing down what I look for in my relationships. We're constantly nurturing external connections, and that's great, but we forget that we also have a connection with ourselves that requires nurturing and listening. Just as you can only get to know someone by spending time with them, it's the same with us. If we don't spend time with ourselves, we'll be living with a stranger.

Exactly. Sometimes we're very hard on ourselves and want everything to go right the first time. If you live a life with certain beliefs and behave in a certain way, you need time to change. These are mental and behavioral habits, even more complex because they carry a heavy emotional charge. Changing them isn't so easy. Therefore, day by day, each small step is progress. We have to approach it with patience. And it's okay to make mistakes along the way.

Many habits, behaviors, and ways of interpreting things are based on the brain, which are what make us have certain feelings in one situation or another. When we begin to change behavioral patterns, to reason things differently, changes are also occurring in our brain , creating mental pathways different from those we normally follow. This is what gives us the opportunity to learn, to be resilient when we go through a difficult situation. The brain's plasticity allows us to change. But these changes don't happen overnight. They are structural and require time.

That's right. There are many examples. No one expects to learn to play the guitar overnight. Or when we started driving. We all remember the first moment we got behind the wheel and thought: I can't handle so many things at once. And then we do it naturally. This is because neural circuits have been generated that we didn't have before. By repeating it, they have become so strengthened that it's now automatic. The same thing happens with behavioral habits. In the end, it's a process of restructuring beliefs . That's why when we start setting limits, we feel guilty, but then we think: I'm doing it because I have the right. We keep repeating this reasoning until it becomes automatic.

Constantly setting limits without being flexible prevents us from getting along with others. We must understand that each person is different and that creating a bond also involves giving in on some points. That's why it's important to be clear about which limits are negotiable and which are non-negotiable. The former will allow us that range of flexibility. If punctuality is negotiable for me, for example, I can tolerate you arriving a few minutes late. Being flexible about certain things gives us the option to be firm about what's truly important to us. We can't expect anything to be negotiable because we'll just end up arguing and getting very frustrated.

It's a complex field because it involves power relationships and dynamics. There are marked hierarchies of bosses and superiors, with different privileges than someone at a different rank, such as an employee or subordinate. In this case, it's even more necessary to understand the other person's psychology. You can tell a friend, "I don't want it," "that's not my thing," but it's more difficult to respond that way to a boss. In these types of relationships, it's essential to consider how the other person's mental map works. It requires empathy, that is, understanding the world through the eyes of the other person. It requires understanding what's important to my boss so that I can argue that "no" in a way that's more understandable.

It's an energy-intensive exercise, yes. It's not always necessary. It depends on how much you care about that relationship. If you're going to set boundaries with your child, your partner, or your mother, you probably want them to be more understanding. In that case, the ideal thing is to put yourself in the other person's shoes and tell them things while understanding their mental map.

The same words spoken in one tone or another, for example, change a lot. When we set a boundary with someone who's overstepping their bounds, we have to use a tone of voice that conveys firmness. Without shouting, because that would be aggressive and arrogant, but also without a low tone that would be almost inaudible. Our body must also communicate, with the way we look into each other's eyes. We must maintain a body posture that says: I'm standing here, I'm not going to let you keep trampling on me. We can't say that by making ourselves small. It's essential to be aware of all of this and use it to communicate what we want.

Because with every explanation , you open the door for the other person to try to argue and convince you. On the other hand, when you respond with just "I just don't want to," "I don't feel like it," "it's not my thing," there's no getting around it. It's a "nothing more," and they have to respect you. Of course, you have to consider the context and the relationship you have with that person. It's always good to be able to read the nuances very well.

This is very valuable in any situation, but I emphasize it even more when I talk to young people, both boys and girls, about sex. How important it is to know how to respect it when someone, at any moment, says no to you. And it doesn't matter if you're already in bed, for example. That person decided no. Young people should feel free to change their minds, even if they've said yes for a long time.

It's very important. We need to learn to say no from a young age. That's something close to home for me. When I was 14 or 15, my entire circle of friends was using cocaine. I was the only one who never tried it. At first, it was uncomfortable for the others that I decided to say no. But I continued with them in my own way, without a problem. After the fourth or fifth time, seeing that I was sticking to my no, they stopped insisting. You have to be clear that saying no and setting a limit doesn't mean letting anyone down. It's about being consistent with what you want. There's no reason to give in to others.

The moment, after trying to resolve differences assertively and explaining that you don't want non-negotiable boundaries crossed, the person continues to violate them. Or when they continually try to manipulate you and aren't respectful. If you've already respectfully warned them and the behavior you receive is degrading to you, there should be no further tolerance. That's the moment when we can legitimately tell the other person to fuck off. For protection, for self-defense.

When we begin to set boundaries, it's good to analyze who respects them and who isn't willing to accept them. Based on that, we must consider whether it's a good idea to have a person around us or not. Determine what sustains that bond, if it only exists on the condition that I always have to give in and be accommodating. If someone gets angry and withdraws when we start setting boundaries, well, losing them is a win. I want people by my side who care for me, who take into account what I need. The others are losses that will add to our mental health and peace of mind.