Let’s Talk Relationships: Bridging the emotional divide between genders: Part 2: What the brain tells us

Emotional connection in a relationship happens when partners mutually experience being seen, heard and understood. It’s when it feels safe to be your full self and know the other “gets” you. It’s the glue that helps partners feel close, supported, and deeply bonded.

In my last column, we explored one major reason this connection can feel elusive between men and women: how we’re raised. From early childhood, many males are taught to suppress vulnerability and value stoicism, while females are encouraged to express feelings and build closeness through emotional sharing. These ingrained patterns often lead to emotional misalignment in adult relationships — leaving both partners feeling misunderstood or disconnected.

Note: Please keep in mind that the information I am sharing may not be relevant for all readers. I am offering what have been known to be general “tendencies,” which are not necessarily applicable to everyone.

Different brain wiring

Upbringing matters, but it’s not the whole story. Brain research shows that biology also plays a role in how males and females process emotion. One key player in emotional processing is the amygdalae — two almond-shaped regions deep in the brain’s hemispheres.

In men, the right amygdala tends to be more active. It’s wired to scan for threats and initiate action — especially in high-stress situations. Since it’s located farther from the brain’s language centers, men may find it harder to put emotions into words right away. It’s not that they don’t feel deeply — but that they often need more time and space to sort out what they’re feeling.

In women, the left amygdala is often more active and closely linked to emotional memory, verbal expression, and attunement. Because it’s near language centers, many women process emotion by talking, often at the time they are experiencing feelings.

Women also tend to recall emotionally significant events in vivid detail. If something feels unresolved, it may loop in her mind — not as overthinking, but as her brain’s way of finishing emotional processing. A man’s brain, by contrast, is more likely to enter a neutral or low-power state after emotional intensity. This doesn’t mean he’s shutting down — it’s his brain’s way of calming the nervous system.

Evolution plays a role

The modern brain still carries adaptations from our hunter-gatherer past. Men needed calm focus and quick action to hunt and protect. Emotional reactivity could interfere with survival. Their brains adapted to filter out emotion in favor of goal-oriented behavior. For instance, it was far too dangerous for fear to override action when facing a wild animal.

Today, that same wiring can make emotional intensity feel overwhelming. Some men may shut down during emotional moments — not from indifference, but because their brain is managing stress. Women’s brains evolved to support caregiving, gathering, and social coordination. They needed to stay attuned to the emotions of children and others in the group. Picking up on subtle emotional cues helped build safety, cooperation and trust. Their brains adapted for bonding, communication, and emotional memory — traits many women still bring into relationships today.

Modern relationships

Modern relationships call for emotional presence from both partners. Research shows that emotional connection benefits everyone’s well-being. Fortunately, thanks to neuroplasticity — the brain’s ability to form new pathways and habits — we can all grow, no matter our starting point.

What men can do

As a man, you may not always verbalize emotions, but often show love through action — fixing something, solving a problem, or anticipating a need (like getting the car ready for a trip). These acts of service aren’t just practical — they’re emotional gestures. While action can absolutely be a powerful expression of care, women often long for words that reveal their partner’s inner world. Even a simple “I felt sad when,” “I feel a lot of love for you right now,” or “That comment hurt” can go a long way in building emotional closeness.

It’s not about replacing action with talk, it’s about combining them. When you share even a little of what you are feeling, it bridges the emotional gap and creates a sense of “we’re in this together.”

Psychotherapy or men’s groups can support the practice of expressing emotions. Physical activities like walking or working with one’s hands can open the space for reflection and clarity.

What women can do

If you’re longing for more emotional connection, begin by affirming how your partner already shows love — especially through action. Let him know his efforts matter to you, and that you also feel close when he shares what’s going on inside. When a man senses acceptance and curiosity — not pressure or criticism — he’s more likely to open up. Invite him to share how parts of his day made him feel, even small things like feeling “off” or irritated. These glimpses into his inner world foster connection.

You can also model the kind of sharing you’d like to receive. When you express your feelings calmly and clearly, you lead by example. And when he takes a small step toward opening up, meet it with warmth, attention, and appreciation.

Strengths within the differences

I'm cheering you on to view these emotional differences, not as flaws, but as valuable strengths. Men often bring a calm, steady presence to stressful moments. Their action orientation and long-term focus can support a relationship’s stability. Women's tendency to be emotionally attuned can bring insight, reflection, and expression — bringing attention to the world of emotions. All of the above are valuable and deserving of respect.

While women may have a natural inclination toward emotional awareness, they too can expand their capacity for authentic expression. We live in a culture that discourages the full expression of feelings. It can be challenging for all of us, regardless of gender, to freely express certain feelings such as shame, fear, grief, jealousy, pride and even joy. We can all step into sharing our inner worlds with greater ease. In order for our relationships to be more emotionally rich, connected, and alive, let's keep learning and practicing doing just that.

Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with Non-violent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.