The business of love: When counseling for love is worthwhile – and what it cannot do

Anyone who wants to have a happy relationship today has to invest time, attention, self-reflection, and often money. While couples therapy is still often discussed behind closed doors, a new market has emerged in recent years: so-called "love coaching."

Creating dating profiles, getting over an ex, understanding relationship patterns, or flirting properly: All of this is promised by numerous "love coaches" in Germany. One hour costs an average of €200, while a twelve-week course can easily reach €3,000. This puts the costs at a similar level to individual or couples therapy. The difference? The marketing. From quick tips on TikTok and Instagram to podcasts and courses that promise that love is just a matter of mindset. Perfect for a society that constantly strives to optimize itself.

What's striking is that many programs are specifically aimed at women – and they're successful. On social media, women talk about investing thousands of euros in their search for the right partner or participating in programs hoping to solve problems in existing relationships. What starts with dating now extends to healing the "inner child," increasing self-confidence, or even financial advice. Many coaches proudly report five-figure monthly revenues in podcasts.

BRIGITTE : Where does the hype about “love coaches” come from?

Birgit Fehst: The topic of self-optimization has become a huge trend thanks to Instagram, TikTok, and other social media platforms – and this has also brought relationships into sharper focus. At the same time, there are many dating coaches on social media whose tips are displayed. These tips help many people realize where their problems lie and that they could use support.

How do we deal with relationship crises? When does a breakup make sense? Why do women break up differently than men? We answer these and other questions in our PDF dossier on relationships in crisis.

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What does the trend towards coaching say about our society?

Relationships have changed dramatically: Everything is faster-paced. The anonymity of the big city promotes loneliness. Due to dating apps and the influence of social media that a relationship should be perfect, many people are less likely to commit. However, the coaching trend also shows that seeking help is becoming increasingly accepted. Many problems existed five years ago, too, but there have never been so many options for receiving support. And therapy is still somewhat stigmatized. Coaching used to be more common in a career context; it sounds somehow lighter, more positive, and less innocuous. I actually hear more often that couples or individuals tell me, "I'd like to call this counseling or coaching, not therapy," because the word is still too scary for many.

Are people today less capable of relationships or simply more demanding?

I believe that people still want relationships just as much as they used to, but the context has changed. Dating apps, for example, create different conditions and also influence how we behave. The sheer number of choices tempts us to put in less effort and move on quickly.

Is there a risk that coaches will enter fields that require psychotherapeutic competence?

Absolutely. Especially because there are many people on social media who have no real training in the field and don't know what's behind it. This often leads to advice that misses the real issue. I certainly wouldn't say that all coaches are bad. There are actually some very good ones. But there are also many who haven't necessarily learned the knowledge professionally. You have to be careful there.

How do you recognize a reputable coaching offer?

I would always first look at the coach's CV: Where does their knowledge come from? Coaching is about passing on knowledge, rather than fundamentally changing inherent patterns. However, there are many programs that promote the latter, and that's simply not possible within this framework. A clear distinction must be made between coaching and therapy, and the line is often thin.

How could people assess what they need more?

For example, if they keep getting caught in the same spirals, that's more likely a topic for therapy. If the underlying problem lies in their attachment style, for example, they'll keep encountering the same challenges, and banal relationship tips won't help. Many people, especially women, repeatedly experience negative trends like "ghosting" when dating. Or they often encounter "avoiders" who initially proclaim their love and give gifts, only to then run away when things get serious. There are deeper patterns behind these things.

Is the trend toward coaching a reflection of our performance-oriented society? Is love something that should be actively managed?

I actually believe that not love, but a relationship is something you should actively manage and keep at it. You have to acquire certain skills for other things in life, so why not in relationships as well? These are things we never learned in school, so it makes total sense to get help when things aren't going well. What's difficult, however, are standardized coaching programs based on the "one size fits all" principle. You might pick up a few good tips there, but you're unlikely to solve deeper problems.

Studies show that women in particular are more likely to seek counseling and therapy services. Coaching programs also often specifically target women. Why is this?

Women are generally more emotional beings and think about things much more. They also talk to each other more often about problems in their relationships. They're also more likely to seek help because they're generally more open about dealing with emotions and difficulties. Men tend to talk more about their successes with their friends than about their problems. And they're actually much less likely to go to coaching or therapy. In my individual sessions, about 80 percent of the people who attend are women.

Do you feel that we are currently falling back into "outdated" role models in relationships?

These days, it's no longer usually the case that women stay at home and men work. Nevertheless, women do tend to spend more time with the children and do more care work. I strongly recommend that men take on some of this, including making sure the children's birthday presents are right or organizing Christmas. Otherwise, women may eventually become desperate and lose their feelings because they can no longer cope. Men often think they are the providers and bring home the money, and that this will be enough. Perhaps it was actually enough in the past because that's how it was set in stone. But that has changed.

Then it would be a good idea for more men to seek advice...

That would definitely be very helpful. Statistically, there are many more women who fall into the anxious attachment style and more men who are so-called "avoidant" attachment styles. It would definitely make sense if men also sought counseling services. With one-sided coaching, only one person wants to optimize themselves, and I see that as a danger. Of course, it's always useful to look at yourself and work on your patterns, but when it comes to relationship problems, both partners have to get involved. Whether they go to a coach or therapy depends on the nature of their problems.

What problems would these be, for example?

If it's about simple matters that require mediation, like household chores and basic arguments, then you can certainly seek counseling. If the friction lies in the couple's dynamics, i.e., in how both partners interact, I would always recommend couples therapy.

What advice would you give to people who feel like things aren't working out in love?

If you keep ending up with the same type of person, the cause often lies within yourself—usually shaped in childhood. Many people think there's something wrong with their people or that they're not good enough, but it's often simply a result of unfavorable influences. Becoming aware of this helps a lot. And then you can work on developing strategies that help broaden your perspective and break out of these patterns.

Brigitte