Friend-xiety: Are you sometimes afraid of losing your friends?

I admit it: I occasionally suffer from friend-xiety. When my friends don't respond to my messages for a while and suddenly stop using emojis, I get nervous – at least sometimes and with certain people. Even though I rationally know there's no reason to worry because my friend is probably just stressed and has other things on her mind. But unfortunately, anxiety usually has little to do with rational thinking.

Psychologist explains: This is what lies behind friend-xiety

"Friend-xiety, short for friendship anxiety, describes the constant worry of doing something wrong in a friendship or of no longer being liked," explains Prof. Dr. Petra Beschoner, a specialist in psychiatry, psychotherapy, and psychosomatic medicine and medical director of the Bad Saulgau acute care clinic. "Thoughts often revolve around perceived mistakes or situations in which a reaction felt different than expected: Why is there no response? Why does the mood suddenly seem different? Did I behave inappropriately?"

In fact, it's not so far-fetched that we suffer from such anxieties not only in romantic relationships, but also in our friendships. After all, friendships are crucial to our well-being. Most friends stay with us longer than partners, on average, and they offer us support during difficult times. The expert confirms this: "Friendships are emotional anchors for many people," says Prof. Beschoner. "Especially when family relationships are strained or romantic partnerships are unstable."

Self-deprecating thoughts and generalizations

It's only natural that we don't want to lose these important people in our lives. But when the fears, the friend-xiety, negatively impact our friendship and ultimately our entire life, it becomes problematic. "Typical are exaggerated, self-deprecating thoughts like: 'I've shared too much about myself again' or 'I must have been too direct – now everything's ruined,'" explains the psychotherapist. "Often, a minor irritation leads to hasty conclusions about the entire relationship."

In contrast to social anxiety, where even contact with people can be stressful, friend-xiety primarily affects intimate relationships. "It's not the closeness that causes anxiety – but the idea of ​​losing that closeness." This is particularly evident in long-term or very intense friendships, which carry a lot of emotional significance.

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Such fears are often fueled by social media. "Social media is often a breeding ground for friend-xiety," says Prof. Beschoner. "A story is seen but not commented on. A message remains unanswered, even though the online status is active. Other friends suddenly appear in photos all the time – and your own feeling tells you: I'm left out."

Where does insecurity come from in close friendships?

But how is it that we develop excessive anxiety in our relationships with our friends? According to Prof. Beschoner, childhood experiences are often at the root of this—just as with issues in our romantic relationships: "From a psychological perspective, personal relationship experiences play a major role," she explains. "Insecure attachment patterns that developed in childhood or adolescence often have an impact into adulthood. If closeness wasn't reliable back then—because parents were overwhelmed, fickle, or distant—a basic feeling of insecurity, caution, and doubt often remains."

But low self-esteem can also exacerbate friend-xiety. "Those who secretly believe they're not enough constantly doubt their own role in a friendship." Empathic, harmony-seeking, or introverted people are particularly susceptible—simply because they perceive things more intensely and frequently question themselves.

The influence of negative friendship experiences should not be underestimated, the expert continues: "Anyone who has been excluded, betrayed, or replaced carries this experience within themselves like an internal warning mechanism – even if the current friendship is actually stable."

What you can do if you suffer from friend-xiety

So, there are various themes and patterns that can play a role in us feeling insecure in friendships and suffering from anxiety. But how can we deal with this well? What can we do when we experience such feelings? Petra Beschoner recommends mindfulness and self-compassion: "The first step is to observe your own thoughts: What triggers the anxiety? Are there real clues, or am I just reading too much into them?"

According to the therapist, we can also practice not reacting when we experience such feelings of insecurity. "Those who become more confident in themselves need less external validation – and that's also good for friendships."

Dealing openly with our fears

An honest conversation with the person in question can also help. "True friendships can tolerate openness – and even grow from it," explains the therapist. "Saying 'I'm sometimes afraid I'm too much for you' is brave. But often that's exactly what deepens the connection."

I don't know yet whether I'll actually dare to talk about my insecurities with my friends. But the reassurance that I'm not alone with these feelings and fears certainly helps. And practicing mindfulness and self-compassion in dealing with stressful thoughts and emotions can ultimately help in all situations in life, not just in friendships.

Of course, as with all issues related to our mental health, if we feel like we can't make progress on our own and are suffering greatly from our anxiety, it may be beneficial to seek therapeutic help. So don't hesitate to talk to your doctor or therapist so you can work together to find solutions.

Brigitte

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