Author about her open marriage: My husband, my lover and I: "Why ONE man is not enough for me!" – 43-year-old mother reports

BRIGITTE: Dear Deepa, in "As I Like It," you sensitively and self-critically recount your journey into a non-exclusive marriage that has allowed you to blossom. Is it time for us to rethink love and desire?

Deepa Paul: I didn't write this book to convert anyone. But polyamory is becoming increasingly visible – that generates curiosity, but also resistance. Many people can't grasp polyamory and ask themselves: Is it like infidelity? Do they live a life like in porn? Are there constant threesomes and orgies? Only through conversations about real experiences can we begin to understand what polyamory really means. That it can take many forms – depending on your values ​​and what makes you tick. My book can be seen as an invitation to at least mentally enter the world of an open marriage: I bring honesty and vulnerability, the readers bring their curiosity – and then we can talk.

How do you and your husband live out non-exclusive desire in everyday life?

For us, commitment doesn't mean sexual exclusivity. We've been married for 17 years, nine of which we've been non-monogamous. The first few years were a phase of experimentation—we both had casual acquaintances, mostly through dating apps. In 2019, I met my current boyfriend, with whom I've been together for over six years.

How does it feel to have to please several people who love you?

I'm the polyamorous "hinge" between two parallel relationships with (mostly) monogamous men who love me. My husband has dated that turned into close friendships, and every now and then he enjoys a flirt or an adventure. My boyfriend isn't currently dating anyone. The possibility of meeting others is always there for him, but right now we're all pretty busy.

As a polyamorous mother, it's certainly not that easy to always find a free slot for sex with two men at once, is it?

During the week, everyone is pretty independent: I handle publicity and book promotion, my daughter goes to school and meets up with friends, my boyfriend commutes between projects, and my husband is currently on sabbatical. Everything is on a shared calendar—from dentist appointments and dates to family vacations or weekends with my boyfriend. Six nights a week, I'm mom and wife—we eat dinner together and talk, like any other family. There's a lot more talking than sex anyway. Once a week, I stay over at my boyfriend's. But we're in constant contact because we also work together—he's a photographer, I'm a writer. When I'm not there, it's "daddy-daughter time": The two order sushi, watch movies, or play video games. This has developed a very special, close relationship between them.

Is polyamory sometimes stressful? You used to sometimes hire a babysitter when you wanted a sexual adventure.

Being a polyamorous mom is definitely exhausting. The biggest challenge these days is not forgetting myself: I have to maintain my own mental and emotional balance—enough rest and time for myself. It works best when I don't treat myself like a cake that I hand out to everyone, leaving only crumbs for myself.

In the beginning—when my husband and I started dating other people—we had to do some "emotional housekeeping," meaning we first processed our experiences for ourselves and then shared our thoughts over a morning coffee or a glass of wine after bed. It's now a well-established system.

Many people say, "I couldn't do that—I'm just a jealous person." What do you think?

The key is to pause before reacting—so you don't say or do something you'll later regret. When I feel jealous, I acknowledge the feeling, take a deep breath, and distract myself for a moment. Later, I ask myself: What am I really afraid of? What am I afraid of losing? Usually, it's an unmet need—perhaps for more closeness, time, affection. Can I fulfill this need myself? If not, I talk to my partner about it. Most of the time, they're happy to accommodate it—and I realize that, in retrospect, my fear was actually quite unfounded.

What have you learned about yourself by opening up your marriage?

I've learned what gives me energy – and what drains it. How I want to give and receive, what nourishes me, and what diminishes me. The realization that I can overcome difficult challenges gives me courage for greater things.

What can people in monogamous relationships take away from your book?

We all become different versions of ourselves over the course of our lives. I would like to invite people in long-term relationships to remain open to the fact that needs change—in themselves or in their partner. Stay curious. Be honest with yourself and with each other. Try to be the safe place where your partner can express their desires, fears, dreams, and changes—without fear of rejection.

What would be a first step for couples to talk more openly about desires or unmet needs? Figure out exactly what you want to say. Then ask your partner if they have the capacity to hear it right now. If you're afraid of the reaction, say so calmly: "I'm a little nervous to bring this up because I'm afraid you might..." A conversation can begin like this: "I've been thinking about something and I'd like to hear your thoughts. Is now a good time?" Stay present and pay attention to how your partner reacts. Ask, "How are you resonating with this right now?" And if necessary, "What do you need from me to make this feel safer for you?" Sometimes it helps to pause the conversation and resume it later. When I first started, I was often too impatient—wanting everything, immediately, my way. Today I know: Good things take time.

How have your extramarital sex adventures affected your body image?

I grew up in the ultra-Catholic, conservative Philippines, where I was taught: My body is sinful, sex is bad, and sexual desire as a woman is shameful. And then, with absolutely no connection to our bodies, we're suddenly supposed to be constantly available and sensual in marriage? Through my sexual experiences with people who didn't grow up in this cultural context, I learned: Sex and desire are normal and healthy—and my body is beautiful. This fundamentally changed my self-image: I stopped believing I had to be slim and perfect to be desirable. I learned not to judge my body by its appearance, but to marvel at what it can do. Since freeing myself from shame, I have a much healthier relationship with my body—today it is a source of intuition and knowledge for me.

What would you have liked to have told your younger self about love, sex, and relationships? I would say: Don't worry, Deepa—everything will be okay. You're not "too much." You don't have to hide, change, or downplay yourself.

You are loved – just as you are.

Brigitte

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